Often those of us in recovery have survived a trauma-filled past. Whether it’s in the form of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, our past pains have a long-term impact on our lives and relationships.
This was certainly the case for me….and I’m starting to talk more openly about it these days.
In my two most recent podcast interviews, I had the opportunity to talk about my past pain in depth. If you’ve wondered about the link between trauma and addiction, I invite you to listen in:
For those who don’t struggle with compulsive lusting, this video won’t make sense. Those seeking recovery from lust addiction will get it. Are you committed to acknowledging your vulnerabilities and making a battle plan for success? If so, you’ll find my vulnerable VLOG on preparing to battle lust helpful.
Accountability is an essential part of a successful recovery plan and yet so many people resist implementing it. Check out my recent vlog where I share about my experience with accountability and why it is such a powerful modality for healing.
In my upcoming book “Life After Lust: Stories & Strategies for Sex & Pornography Addiction Recovery” I emphasize the importance of mastery in recovery. For those seeking long-term change, I invite you to listen to the following podcast on “Mastering the Plateau” by Patrick Dean, MA. This lesson contains gems of wisdom that will help those in recovery persist in the practices that lead to lasting change. Enjoy!
*For announcements about the release date of “Life After Lust”, please follow this blog.
It should be no surprise that my first book will be a resource for sexual addicts. What may be surprising is that 1.5 weeks ago I decided that if I can binge watch Netflix, then I can certainly binge write my first book and now it is nearly done! I look forward to sharing more as it progresses but I can tell you the following about my soon to be self-published book:
It is an anthology of my best articles, including some new ones
It is aimed at inspiring & equipping sexually addicted men & women
In it I share in depth details about my personal trauma and recovery journey
It is my hope that this work is a catalyst for personal transformation and world change
I look forward to finishing and sharing this creative work of art & love with you soon!
Over a decade ago I checked into a treatment program hoping to heal from a serious sexual addiction. A transformed life was Plan A. Plan B was a secret plot to escape to Las Vegas and drown myself in addictive self-destruction. My contingency plan never materialized because Plan A became my life’s mission. Ironically, my recovery path led me back to Las Vegas last weekend. I was not there to indulge an addiction but to train therapists to treat those who do. This is one of many mind-blowing miracles I’ve savored in my recovery. Out of my past pain has come my present purpose. This is the hope of healing.
When we are deep in addiction and trauma, we are blind to future hope. We cannot imagine living in the light when we feel lost in the night. It takes a bold imagination to take steps forward in recovery when we can’t predict where that path leads.
I cannot tell you where your recovery path will take you but I can promise you one thing: Through your recovery you’ll connect with your purpose. Healing is about far more than just managing triggers, but about stepping into a meaningful life. When we are no longer handcuffed by our impulses, we are free to love and live fully.
Are you willing to do the deep and difficult work of recovery today, holding tightly to the belief that you will benefit tomorrow?
Are you willing to postpone present pleasure and persevere through present pain for the promise of future satisfaction?
If you answer “yes” then I welcome you to a courageous journey of faith. Here we begin to believe in the unseen. We imagine a different future while persistently pursuing it. When our purposeful future find us, we will truly see that we’ve sacrificed nothing and gained everything. We wrestled for our recovery and it was worth it. We were healed for a purpose.
As the world prepares for the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio, we anticipate many memorable moments. We look back on past records broken and heroic stories, wondering what we will soon witness.
One historic story that brings me to tears is that of Derek Redmond in the 1992 Olympics. I won’t spoil it for you. Watch the video.
When you’re done, I urge you to think about your own life. What life challenge are you facing right now where you need a reminder to keep walking forward? What are you trying to do by yourself that can only be accomplished with the support of others?
Sounds like the recovery journey, doesn’t it?
Regardless of our personal struggles and setbacks, may we all find the support we need to keep moving forward toward our personal finish line. Together, we can make it….if we never give up.
As a person in recovery, I find it very hard to give myself the rest and relaxation I need. What comes naturally for me is overcommitment and overachievement. I too often prioritize productivity over caring for myself responsibly. I know I am not alone in this. Flores writes that addicts “demonstrate an almost complete inability to relax and enjoy themselves” (Flores, 2004). Learning the lifestyle of effective self-care takes continuous effort. For me, it is a journey of constant course correction.
Thankfully, my body tells me when I am maxing out my resources and my capacity for productivity. I have learned to see addictive cravings as signals that something is not right inside of me. When those signals go off, it is time to act. If I do not respond with attention, curiosity, and care, I know I am on the road to relapse.
In her book Running On Empty, Dr Jonice Webb shares that “adults who were emotionally neglected as children often don’t know what their needs are. Their own wants, needs, and feelings are not only irrelevant to the emotionally neglected, they’re invisible.” Since nearly 100% of sexual addicts were emotionally neglected in early life, it makes sense how we learned to neglect ourselves.
Dr Webb recommends finding “healthy self-soothing strategies”that fit each individual’s needs. They could range from going for a walk in the woods, praying or meditating, writing or journaling, exercising, playing with a pet, taking a bath, reading in a hammock, or gardening. The possibilities are endless (for more ideas click here). We can seek and find the non-addictive and non-stressful activities that meet our deepest needs.
We can learn how to love ourselves in many ways, as part of our daily rituals and in times of heightened stress. We can seek the support we need and remind ourselves that today is a great day to begin again. This self-compassionate and self-supportive approach will help us get off of the hamster-wheel of performance and pay attention to the things that are most needed.
May we all learn to tune in to the needs of our body, mind, and soul, investing in the much needed care that will soothe our wounds and wholly rejuvenate us.
Summer is often a season of travel and time away from regular responsibilities. For those of us in recovery, vacations can be filled with new temptations and triggers. When we neglect our recovery routines and indulge in everything our eyes desire, we dance with danger. For me, late nights and lack of structure can quickly lead to lust binges and weakened self-control. I can also slip into states of disconnect and self-neglect when I do not remain intentional in my recovery work. For those who experience similar vulnerabilities on vacation, here are 4 secrets for a successful summer:
Scan & Plan – With new environments come new temptations and triggers. Scan new scenery for situations that could take you out. Alert your accountability partners to emerging challenges, communicating your proactive plan to evade them. Rather than being a victim to vulnerable circumstances, remain responsible, mindful, and vigilant.
Stay Connected – Avoid behaviors and experiences that disconnect you from those you love, including yourself. Stay connected to your feelings, your values, your accountability, God, and those around you. Celebrate in such a way that your future self will thank you, not resent you.
Make Meaningful Memories– Recovery is not just about avoiding self-destruction but also about the construction of a full life. This too takes intentionality, since addicts “demonstrate an almost complete inability to relax and enjoy themselves” (Flores, 2004). Learning how to have fun without lust, excessive sugar, and other “drugs” of choice is a significant challenge of recovery. Investing in guilt-free memories with those we love will lay the foundation of a new and meaningful life.
May all who of us on the road to healing enjoy a summer strengthened by solid recovery.
I wish all readers a summer of celebration and an incredible Independence Day!
For additional articles on this topic, check out the following links:
I am grateful to announce that my recent “Vote for Love” article will be published in The Fresno Bee this Saturday! It is my hope that this article raises local awareness about the harms of pornography and what can be done to oppose the Hustler store that is coming to Fresno. Right in time for the primaries, we can all cast our “vote for love”.
