Forest Benedict, LMFT

When Dr. Gabor Maté spoke about how children suppress their emotions to stay connected to their caregivers, he captured a dilemma many of us are still working through today. As children, we all needed acceptance and belonging. We depended on our caregivers to nurture us, but what happens when those environments couldn’t hold space for our authentic emotions?

“If our environment cannot support our gut feelings and our emotions, then the child, in order to ‘belong’ and ‘fit in’ will automatically, unwittingly, and unconsciously, suppress their emotions and their connections to themselves, for the sake of staying connected to the nurturing environment, without which the child cannot survive. A lot of children are in this dilemma – ‘can I feel and express what I feel or do I have to suppress that in order to be acceptable, to be a good kid, to be a nice kid?’” ~ Dr. Gabor Maté

This quote touches on a profound truth: many of us learned early on to suppress our emotions to survive emotionally. We shut down parts of ourselves, hiding our true feelings to fit into a world that didn’t seem to have room for all of us. And even though this helped us get through those early years, we now struggle to connect with ourselves as adults.

But here’s the good news—there’s hope. Through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), we can begin the journey of self-connection, allowing our true selves to emerge. We can create new spaces, both within and outside of ourselves, where our emotions can be felt, validated, and expressed authentically.

The Childhood Dilemma: Belonging vs. Authenticity

As children, the need to belong is a matter of survival. We instinctively know that we need our caregivers to provide for us, not just physically but emotionally. So, when we sense that certain emotions or parts of us are not welcomed or supported, we start to suppress those parts to stay connected to the environment.

Maybe you remember being labeled “too sensitive” or “too much” when you expressed your feelings. Or maybe, you were praised for being “so good” and “so quiet,” and so you learned to hold back your emotions, thinking that being loved meant being silent. In these moments, a young part of you decided that it was safer to hide your true feelings than to risk rejection or disconnection.

Over time, these suppressed parts become hidden from view—not just from others, but even from ourselves. We forget that these feelings exist at all, as we develop coping mechanisms to stay acceptable. But the truth is, these parts don’t disappear. They are still there, waiting for us to acknowledge them.

How Suppression Affects Us as Adults

The challenge is that these suppressed parts of ourselves, which were hidden for survival, don’t simply go away as we grow older. Instead, they may show up in ways that confuse or frustrate us—through anxiety, depression, anger, or a sense of emptiness. Often, we don’t recognize that these feelings are connected to the emotions we suppressed long ago.

We may find ourselves wondering why we struggle to express our true emotions, even with those closest to us. Or why we feel disconnected from our own needs and desires. This is where the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model offers an incredible path forward. It helps us realize that these feelings aren’t something to be fixed or silenced—they are parts of us that need our attention and compassion.

The Power of Internal Family Systems (IFS)

Internal Family Systems (IFS) teaches us that we are not a single, monolithic self. Instead, we are made up of many parts—each part holding different emotions, needs, and experiences. Some parts of us may have learned to keep quiet or blend in for safety, while others may carry anger, sadness, or fears.

IFS offers us the tools to reconnect with these parts. It helps us meet them with compassion rather than judgment. Through the process of self-connection, we begin to give our parts the space they’ve long been denied. We allow them to express their pain, frustration, joy, or sorrow to us—without fear of rejection.

When we open ourselves up to listen to these parts, we start to feel more whole. We realize that none of these emotions are wrong or bad—they are simply parts of us that have been waiting to be heard.

Creating a Safe Environment for Self-Connection

Just as our childhood environment may not have supported our emotions, we can now choose to create a new internal environment where all our parts are welcome. This process takes time, and it requires patience. Some may need a therapist’s guidance. But by turning inward, we create the emotional safety we’ve always needed.

Start by setting aside moments of stillness and quiet, where you can check in with yourself with curiosity and compassion. Ask your body what it’s feeling. You might notice tension in your chest or butterflies in your stomach—these are cues from your parts. Acknowledge them gently. Ask, “What are you feeling?” and “What do you need right now?” Try not to force the answers. Simply listening is a powerful first step. Click here for a simple IFS exercise you can begin with.

As we practice this more, we can invite these parts of ourselves to express their feelings and needs to us. We can learn to listen with interest and respond with care. Over time, you might find it helpful to share these emotions with trusted people in your life—those who can hold space for your authentic self, without judgment or expectation.

Choosing Who to Share With

One of the most empowering choices we can make as adults is deciding who we share our authentic selves with. Not everyone will be equipped to handle our emotions, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to be vulnerable with everyone but to cultivate relationships where our emotions are safe.

Start by sharing with people who have shown empathy and compassion in the past (or find an IFS therapist who feels warm and welcoming to you). Begin with small steps—maybe expressing a need or a feeling that’s been sitting beneath the surface. Watch how they respond. Do they validate your experience? Do they offer kindness? If so, continue opening up, little by little, as it feels safe to you. For a deeper dive, here is a recommended book on IFS and relationships.

At the same time, it’s important to recognize that not everyone will be able to meet us in this space, and that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us. Some people may not yet have the capacity to connect with their own emotions, and therefore may struggle to connect with ours. Choose your support system carefully, and know that you always have the choice to protect your emotions when needed.

The Hope in Reconnection: Patience and Persistence

Learning to reconnect with our true selves—especially the parts we’ve hidden away for years—is not a quick process. It requires patience and persistence. Some days, you might feel deeply connected to your emotions, and other days, it might feel impossible to tune in. Both are part of the journey.

What matters is that we keep showing up for ourselves. Each time you make space for a part of yourself to express its feelings, you are healing. You are rewriting the narrative that your emotions don’t matter, that you must be someone else to be accepted. With time, you’ll find that this inner connection strengthens, and expressing your true self becomes easier.

Remember, it’s okay if you don’t have all the answers right away. Self-connection is a lifelong process. As we practice listening to our parts, we cultivate greater self-compassion and understanding. We begin to let go of the old belief that we must suppress ourselves to be loved, and instead, embrace the truth that we are worthy of love just as we are.

A Journey Toward Authenticity

Dr. Gabor Maté’s words remind us of the difficult journey many of us have taken to suppress our emotions in favor of belonging. But through IFS and self-connection, we have the power to reverse that pattern. By reconnecting with our suppressed parts, we honor our true selves and begin the process of healing.

This journey toward authenticity is not always easy, but it is profoundly rewarding. Each step we take toward self-connection brings us closer to living a life where we can express ourselves fully—both to ourselves and to others who have earned the privilege of seeing our true selves.

Stay patient, stay persistent, and trust that with time and the right support, you will find the safety and freedom to express your emotions authentically. Your journey matters, and every moment of self-connection is a step toward healing.

In compassionate support,
Forest Benedict, LMFT

***This post created with the assistance of AI

For more articles on self-connection, codependency, religious trauma, CPTSD, IFS, connection, healing, and beyond, I invite you to check out my blog and follow for future posts here.