If you’ve ever tried to “calm down” your anxiety, only to feel more agitated, you’re not alone. Most of us have been taught to approach anxiety like an enemy, something to “manage” or “get rid of.” From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, though, this approach misses the mark. Instead of silencing your anxiety, what if you listened to it? Because believe it or not, your anxious parts have valuable information for you, and all they really need is someone to truly hear them.
The Problem with Trying to “Calm Down”
Imagine sitting across from someone who’s panicking. They’re waving their hands, talking fast, and clearly overwhelmed. Now, imagine responding to them by saying, “Calm down!” Chances are, that response would make things worse, right? They’d either get more frustrated or shut down altogether. The same is true for our anxious parts.
When we try to force calmness onto an anxious part, it’s like we’re telling that part, “I don’t want to hear what you have to say.” The result? The anxiety might quiet down momentarily, but it often comes back even stronger later. Why? Because you’ve just ignored a part of yourself that’s desperately trying to communicate something important.
Why Anxious Parts Need Curiosity, Not Control
From an IFS perspective, all parts—whether they’re anxious, angry, sad, or anything else—serve a purpose. Anxious parts usually function as protectors. They’re not here to ruin your day or make you miserable; they’re trying to help. Their methods might not be ideal (think racing thoughts, stomach knots, or tension headaches), but their intentions are good. They want to protect you from something they believe is dangerous.
But when you try to shut them down, they get louder because they feel misunderstood and dismissed. It’s like waving a hand at a smoke alarm and saying, “Stop making noise!” without checking if there’s actually a fire somewhere.
The Power of Curiosity in IFS
The antidote to this isn’t control or calming techniques—it’s curiosity. The IFS model emphasizes approaching all parts, including anxious ones, with an open, curious mindset. This means shifting from “How do I get rid of this feeling?” to “What is this part trying to show me or protect me from?”
Curiosity means letting go of judgment and taking a genuine interest in the part’s experience. It’s the same approach you’d use if you were talking to a scared child who was convinced there was a monster under the bed. Instead of dismissing their fear, you’d ask questions like, “What does the monster look like?” “How long has it been here?” and “What can I do to help you feel safer?” With an anxious part, this looks like asking questions such as:
- “What are you worried will happen if I don’t pay attention to you?”
- “What do you need from me right now?”
- “What are you trying to protect me from?”
When you ask questions like these, anxious parts often relax. Why? Because they finally feel heard. Instead of being treated like a problem to be solved, they’re recognized as a part of you that has wisdom to share.
Research Supporting the IFS Approach
Scientific studies support this approach of engaging with anxious parts rather than suppressing them. For example, a study by Dr. Michaela Swain and colleagues (2020) specifically explored IFS’s impact on anxiety disorders and found that it led to significant reductions in anxiety symptoms and improved emotional regulation. Participants reported feeling calmer and more balanced by engaging with their anxious parts through compassionate listening instead of attempting to silence them.
Another randomized controlled study published in the Journal of Rheumatology examined IFS’s effects on patients with Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA), showing reductions in both pain and depressive symptoms while also improving physical function and self-compassion. This research highlights that listening to these parts can have profound physical and psychological benefits, supporting the idea that suppressing parts often leads to worse outcomes.
Additionally, IFS has been recognized as an evidence-based practice by the U.S. government’s Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). The model has shown promise in addressing generalized anxiety, depression, and even trauma-related symptoms, solidifying its role as a comprehensive therapeutic approach.
What Anxious Parts Often Want You to Know
Many of us are so focused on quieting our anxiety that we rarely stop to ask what it’s actually trying to say. But when you approach anxiety with curiosity, you might be surprised by what comes up. Here are some common messages that anxious parts often carry:
“I’m afraid you’ll get hurt.”
Anxiety often arises when a part senses a potential threat, whether it’s emotional (fear of rejection), physical (danger), or relational (conflict with a loved one). It’s trying to keep you safe by warning you of risks—real or imagined.
“I’m trying to protect a more vulnerable part.”
Many anxious parts act as protectors for younger, more vulnerable parts, like an inner child who experienced pain, shame, or trauma. They ramp up anxiety to prevent those vulnerable parts from being exposed or re-experiencing old wounds.
“I’m not sure you’re paying attention.”
If you’ve been ignoring an anxious part, it might start escalating its messages to get your attention. Anxiety is often a signal that something in your life needs addressing—whether it’s a boundary violation, an unresolved conflict, or a misalignment between your actions and values.
Why Listening Can Feel Scary
If listening to anxious parts is so powerful, why don’t more of us do it? Because it can be uncomfortable. Often, our instinct is to get rid of anxiety as quickly as possible because it’s linked to vulnerability and deeper emotions like fear, sadness, or shame. By listening, we open ourselves up to these feelings, and that can be intimidating.
In IFS, this is where the concept of Self comes in. The Self is the calm, compassionate, and confident core within each of us—the part that can hold space for all our other parts without being overwhelmed. When you approach an anxious part from Self, you’re able to listen without becoming engulfed in the anxiety yourself. You’re not getting lost in the story of the anxious part; you’re observing it and engaging with it from a place of grounded compassion.
Practical Steps to Listen to Anxious Parts
So, what does it actually look like to listen to an anxious part? Here’s a step-by-step approach you can try:
- Pause and Notice: When you feel anxiety rising, pause and notice where it shows up in your body. Is it a tightness in your chest? A pit in your stomach? Get curious about its physical presence.
- Name the Part: Identify it as a “part” of you, not the whole of you. For example, say to yourself, “A part of me is feeling anxious right now,” rather than “I am anxious.” This language shift creates space between you and the emotion.
- Ask Permission to Engage: Check in with the part by asking, “Would it be okay if I spent some time with you?” If the answer is no, that’s okay. Respect the part’s boundaries and try again later.
- Get Curious: Start asking gentle, open-ended questions like: “What are you worried about right now?” “What would happen if I didn’t listen to you?” “What do you need from me to feel more at ease?”
- Offer Compassion, Not Control: As you listen, try not to jump into problem-solving mode. Just be present. Imagine sitting with a friend who’s pouring their heart out—you wouldn’t interrupt them to fix things; you’d just listen.
- Thank the Part: Whether or not you get a clear answer, thank the part for trying to protect you. Gratitude helps build trust and reassures the part that you’re on its side.
Final Thoughts and Next Steps
If you’re tired of battling your anxiety or frustrated by techniques that seem to only quiet the storm temporarily, I encourage you to take a different approach—one rooted in compassion and curiosity. Listening to anxious parts can feel challenging at first, especially if you’re used to trying to make them go away. But you don’t have to do this alone.
As an IFS therapist, I specialize in helping people transform their relationship with their anxious parts in a way that honors all parts of themselves. Together, we can create a safe space where your anxiety feels seen and understood, and where you can experience a deeper sense of internal calm—not because your anxiety has been silenced, but because it’s finally been heard. If you’re ready to explore this new way of relating to your anxiety, I’d love to support you in this journey.
Reach Out for Support Today
If you’re curious about how IFS can help you create lasting change, please feel free to reach out. Whether you’re looking for one-on-one sessions or want to learn more about how IFS works, I’m here to help. Let’s work together to build a relationship with your parts that fosters true healing and self-compassion.
Contact me to start your journey toward a more peaceful and connected internal world.
Sending compassion to all of our anxious parts.
Forest Benedict, LMFT
For more articles on self-connection, codependency, religious trauma, CPTSD, IFS, connection, healing, and beyond, I invite you to check out my blog and follow for future posts here.
*This blog created with the help of AI
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