This week I had a really difficult experience. Someone told me that someone they trusted told them that I did something concerning. They would not tell me what I was accused of doing or who I supposedly did it too. I let them know that I was unaware of anything “concerning” that I had done to anyone but that if I did somehow hurt someone in a way that I was unaware of, I would want to know about it so I could seek understanding, apologize, and seek repair, if at all possible. I was not given any more information so I did not get the chance to do that.
This situation saddens me. I know there are so many white men like me who have influence who are doing harm in this world. There are so many injustices going unchecked. Misogyny, sexism…just so much damage being done by white men in any form of power. Especially for those of us who have left religion, we have seen countless situations where men in power have misused it and caused SO MUCH damage and trauma in the world. And they rarely were apologetic or humble enough to even hear or be willing to see the damage they did. So many of us are still wounded by their actions.
The last thing I want to do in this world is be one of those men. I’ve worked so hard in my professional and personal life to not be one of those men. And yet, here I am in a situation where someone feels hurt by me. Hurt enough to tell other people about it. And I get why they would.
I just wish if I hurt someone they would come to me themselves and let me know what they felt I did to them. If I fucked up in some way, I want to know about it. I genuinely care about people. I especially care about people who have been marginalized. That was one of the main reasons I left Christianity, because of how LGBTQIA+ folx were viewed and treated. My whole life I have had a strong sense of justice and I have always wanted to help those who were abused, bullied, or harmed. Helping them heal is what I do for a living. I really care and want to help.
It may be a lot to ask, but if I hurt YOU, please tell me. If there is any way I can see how my behaviors have caused you pain, I want to know about it. I hope you can feel my remorse and my care. I hope we can repair things between us.
And if it just feels too scary to do that, I just hope with all my heart that you get the healing you need. What I do know is that if I am doing something that is unintentionally hurting people, I want to know about it so I can stop doing whatever that is.
I know I will fuck up. But I want to fuck up in less harmful ways as I move forward through life. My wife will tell you, I do fuck up. But she will also tell you that I have a good heart and when I fuck up, I really want to make it right and repair things. That is the kind of person I am and those are the types of relationships I want in my life. If I hurt you, I’m really sorry. I hope we can make it right between us.
In compassionate support,
Forest Benedict, LMFT
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