Forest Benedict, LMFT

For most of my life, I’ve been on a journey of figuring myself out—unpacking the layers of trauma, expectations, and behaviors I’ve built up along the way. One thing that I’ve come to realize is that codependency can manifest in more ways than we typically recognize. While we often talk about it in the context of relationships—with partners, friends, or family—what about when that codependency shows up in something bigger, like religion? That’s exactly what I want to dive into today.

Religion can be a deeply meaningful and positive force in many people’s lives. But when it crosses a line and becomes a source of external validation, fear of rejection, or self-suppression, it can morph into something that resembles codependency. When you build your life around religion in the same way you might around another person, the dynamics can become unhealthy. I’ve seen this happen, and if you’ve ever felt like your sense of worth or identity is tied up in meeting religious expectations, this one’s for you.

What is Codependency?

Before we dig into how codependency can show up in religion, it’s important to understand what codependency is. Codependency often involves a pattern of relying on others for self-worth, identity, or emotional security. When someone is codependent, they may sacrifice their own needs, desires, or boundaries to please others or maintain a sense of connection.

Codependency can lead to a loss of personal autonomy and a focus on meeting external expectations rather than internal values. When this dynamic shifts from people to something like religion, the results can be surprisingly similar.

So how does this show up in religion? Let’s break it down.

How Codependency Can Manifest in Religion

1. External Validation Through Religious Approval

Let’s start with one of the most common ways codependency can show up: seeking validation. Just like in personal relationships, someone can become overly reliant on their religious community, leaders, or even God for validation.

People might think, “If I just do enough—pray enough, serve enough, follow all the rules—I’ll be worthy.” But that’s the thing about codependency, right? The bar always seems to move higher. You might meet one expectation, only to feel like you need to do more to gain approval. And this can create a cycle of striving for perfection, with no end in sight.

It’s easy to confuse spiritual growth with constant striving for external approval. But the difference is that spiritual growth should help you feel more grounded in who you are, not more desperate to meet external expectations.

2. Fear of Rejection from the Religious Community or God

Another hallmark of codependency is a deep fear of rejection. In the context of religion, this fear might manifest as an overwhelming worry about being judged or rejected by your religious community, leaders, or even by God.

You might find yourself over-committing to religious activities or suppressing parts of yourself to avoid this rejection. I’ve seen people stay in religious environments that don’t align with their true values, simply out of fear of being cast out or judged. That’s the tricky thing about codependency with religion: it can keep you stuck in a place where you’re more focused on being accepted than on living authentically.

3. Losing Your Personal Identity to Religious Expectations

In a codependent dynamic, you can lose sight of who you are because you’re too focused on meeting someone else’s needs or expectations. When this happens with religion, a person may mold their identity entirely around their religious beliefs or the expectations of their religious community.

Think about it: if every decision you make is based on what your religion or religious leaders tell you to do, where do you fit into the equation? You might find yourself sacrificing your personal dreams, desires, or even questioning your own beliefs, just to avoid conflict or disapproval.

This is especially tough for people who grew up in rigid religious environments where stepping outside the rules meant being labeled as rebellious or “bad.” Over time, that can create an internal disconnect, where you’re not sure who you really are anymore.

4. Fawning: Over-Accommodating Religious Expectations

Fawning is a trauma response where you over-accommodate or people-please to avoid conflict. This behavior can extend into religion, where someone might go above and beyond to impress religious leaders or appear “righteous.”

This often comes from a place of fear—fear of judgment, fear of punishment, or fear of being seen as sinful or unworthy. I’ve seen people dive into every volunteer opportunity, attend every event, and stay silent about their doubts just to maintain a spotless religious image.

It’s exhausting, and it’s not sustainable. But when your identity is tied up in being seen as a “good” member of your religion, it can feel impossible to step back.

5. Overreliance on Religious Leaders for Decision-Making

Just as in codependent relationships, someone might rely heavily on their partner to make decisions or guide their life. In a religious context, this can look like over-reliance on religious leaders or doctrine to dictate every aspect of life.

There’s a difference between seeking spiritual guidance and surrendering your personal agency. When you constantly defer to religious leaders to tell you how to live, what to believe, and how to make decisions, you risk losing touch with your own intuition and values.

In some cases, this can lead to a kind of spiritual burnout, where you feel disconnected from your own sense of purpose and direction. It’s another layer of codependency that keeps you tethered to an external source of validation and control.

6. Shame and Guilt: The Driving Forces of Codependent Religion

Religion, like relationships, can be a double-edged sword. When shame and guilt become the dominant emotions driving your religious life, it can become a form of codependency.

People might feel that they are inherently flawed or sinful and need to constantly atone or prove their worth through religious actions. I’ve seen people so consumed by guilt that they never feel like they’re doing enough to earn divine approval.

The constant fear of not measuring up, of failing in your religious duties, can lead to a paralyzing sense of inadequacy. It can feel like no matter what you do, it’s never enough. That’s where the cycle of codependency thrives—because you’re always chasing an unattainable standard.

7. Sacrificing Relationships and Well-Being for Religion

Just as someone might sacrifice their well-being for a codependent relationship, a person with codependency tendencies in religion might neglect their personal relationships or mental health in favor of religious commitments.

This could look like constantly prioritizing religious activities over family time, skipping important personal milestones to meet religious obligations, or even neglecting your own mental health because you’re too focused on doing what your religion expects of you.

While it’s admirable to be dedicated to your faith, when it comes at the expense of your own well-being or relationships, it becomes unhealthy. Balance is key, and codependency in religion can disrupt that balance.

8. Difficulty Setting Boundaries with Religious Expectations

Codependency often involves poor boundaries, and in the context of religion, this can mean struggling to say no to religious obligations or feeling guilty for not adhering to every expectation.

If you find it hard to set boundaries with your religious community or even with yourself when it comes to religious practices, it’s worth examining whether this might be part of a codependent pattern. Feeling obligated to meet every demand or rule, even when it’s detrimental to your well-being, is a red flag.

Breaking Free from Codependency with Religion

It can be unsettling to realize just how deeply religious codependency might be woven into our lives—I know this firsthand, having lived that way for decades (and continuing to heal from it). But recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free. Here are a few ways to begin untangling yourself from these unhealthy dynamics:

1. Cultivate Self-Validation

One of the hallmarks of codependency is seeking validation from others—or in this case, from religion. To break this cycle, focus on cultivating self-validation. Ask yourself: Am I living in alignment with my values and beliefs? Am I doing this because it’s meaningful to me, or because I’m trying to meet someone else’s expectations?

This shift is crucial. By finding validation within yourself, you can begin to reclaim your autonomy and live in a way that’s authentic to you. To read more about self-validation, click here.

2. Practice Healthy Boundaries

Learning to set healthy boundaries with religion—just like in any other area of life—is essential. This might mean saying no to certain obligations, allowing yourself to question beliefs that don’t resonate with you, or taking a step back from religious activities when you need to focus on your personal well-being.

It can feel scary at first, especially if you’ve been conditioned to believe that saying no is wrong or selfish. But setting boundaries is a sign of self-respect and autonomy.

3. Reconnect with Your Inner Compass

If you’ve been relying on religion to dictate your decisions, it’s time to reconnect with your inner compass. Start by tuning into your own desires, values, and intuition. What feels right for you? What aligns with your true self?

Internal Family Systems is a phenomenal tool for understanding yourself at the deepest level, reconnecting with your inner compass, and discovering your authentic self. IFS has been transformational for myself and my clients.

This process may involve unlearning certain beliefs or behaviors that have kept you stuck in a cycle of external validation. It’s about finding your own path, even if it looks different from what you were taught.

4. Seek Therapy or Support

If you’ve been deeply impacted by religious codependency, seeking support from a therapist—especially someone experienced in religious trauma —can be incredibly helpful. Therapy can provide a safe space to unpack these patterns and begin healing.

Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to help you see where codependency has taken root, and a therapist can guide you through the process of reclaiming your autonomy. Internal Family Systems (IFS) or trauma-focused therapy can help untangle these dynamics and reconnect you with your true self.

5. Question the Beliefs That No Longer Serve You

Part of breaking free from religious codependency involves giving yourself permission to question what you’ve been taught. What beliefs have you internalized that are no longer serving you? Which parts of your religious experience are keeping you stuck in fear, shame, or guilt?

This doesn’t mean you have to walk away from your faith entirely (though some may choose to do so for their own well-being) —it’s about developing a healthier relationship with it. Letting go of rigid, fear-based beliefs can open the door to a more fulfilling spiritual life, one that is rooted in personal growth and self-compassion.

Final Thoughts: Finding Freedom in Authenticity

Codependency with religion can be just as consuming as codependent relationships with people. It’s often driven by fear—fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of being abandoned by something bigger than ourselves. But just like with any unhealthy pattern, recognizing it is the first step toward healing.

True spiritual growth comes from a place of self-connection and authenticity, not from constant striving or seeking external validation. By cultivating self-worth, setting healthy boundaries, and reconnecting with your own values, you can begin to break free from religious codependency and live a life that’s true to you.

Remember, spirituality should enrich your life, not diminish it. If you find yourself feeling trapped or overwhelmed by the expectations of your religion, it might be time to reevaluate your relationship with it and take steps toward healing. The goal is to find balance, autonomy, and freedom in your spiritual journey—and that starts with trusting yourself.

Have you experienced religious codependency or seen it in others?

If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone on this journey. By facing these patterns head-on, you’re taking the first steps toward a life of true freedom and self-trust. Healing from these dynamics is a life-changing path of reclaiming your power, learning to live authentically, and creating a life that aligns with your values. You have the strength to break free, trust yourself, and shape the future you deserve. Let’s walk that path together.

In compassionate support,

Forest Benedict, LMFT

For more articles on self-connection, codependency, religious trauma, CPTSD, IFS, connection, healing, and beyond, I invite you to check out my blog and follow for future posts here.

*** This post created with the assistance of AI