(And honestly, I’m taking notes.)
I’ve always been curious about my future—who wouldn’t be? Will I live a life of excitement and joy? Will I look back and be proud of the choices I made? Will I finally master the art of flipping a pancake without it landing on the floor?
To get some answers, I did what any rational, forward-thinking person would do: I hired a psychic.
Now, I wasn’t looking for some vague, cookie-cutter reading. No, I wanted the real deal—deep, soul-shaking wisdom from Future Me. I wanted insight. Guidance. Maybe a little reassurance that I’m not completely screwing this whole life thing up.
What I got instead was an absolute comedy show from myself, delivered through a woman named Madame Zelda, who smelled strongly of incense and mild amusement.
The Psychic Session Begins
The room was dimly lit, the air thick with the scent of burning sage and, oddly, hot chocolate. Madame Zelda sat across from me, adjusting her crystal ball like she was about to reveal the secret to the universe… or a really good pizza recipe.
She cracked her knuckles. “I will now channel your future self. Prepare yourself.”
I held my breath. This was it.
Her eyes rolled back. Her voice deepened. And then, with the power of the universe coursing through her…
She started laughing. Hard.
“Oh my god,” she wheezed. “You have no idea what’s coming. This is gonna be so good.”
Wait. What?
Future Me Has Some Wild Advice
I expected Future Me to say something wise, like, “Stay true to your path.” Or maybe, “Invest in happiness.”
Instead, he just chuckled. Loudly.
“Oh wow,” he said, still laughing. “Okay, okay, I’ve got five major choices coming up for you. You better listen, because if you follow these, your life is going to be an absolute blast.”
1. Say Yes to the Most Ridiculous Invitations
“You know those things you almost do but then talk yourself out of because they’re ‘too weird’ or ‘not responsible’? Do them. Say yes.
There’s a future version of you who is having a sword fight with baguettes in Paris because of this rule. He is happy.Be him.”
I blinked. “Baguettes?”
“Oh, you’ll see.”
2. Book a One-Way Ticket Without a Plan
“Just do it. One day, wake up, buy a ticket to somewhere you’ve never been, and go. Future You is thriving in a mystery city where you accidentally became the lead dancer in a flash mob because you ‘just went with it.’”
I opened my mouth to protest.
“NO planning. No itinerary. Just vibes.”
I gulped. The last time I did something spontaneous, I ended up at a goat yoga class. It was… an experience.
3. Take Yourself on the Sexiest Date of Your Life
“Ohhhh, you’re gonna love this one,” Future Me said with a smirk. “I mean, you’ve taken yourself out before, right? Dinner here and there, maybe a solo movie night? Cute.
But you’ve never actually seduced yourself.”
I frowned. “I… what?”
Future Me leaned in.
“One night, you’re gonna plan an evening so sexy, so luxurious, so ridiculously romantic that you’ll realize you have been underestimating yourself this entire time.”
I swallowed hard.
“The candles? Perfect. The outfit? Drop-dead gorgeous. The music? Specifically curated to make you feel irresistible.You take yourself out, order the best meal on the menu, stare into your own eyes across the candlelit table, and absolutely fall for yourself.”
I shifted in my seat. “And then?”
Future Me grinned.
“And then, my dear Past Me, you take yourself home. And let’s just say… you never see solo nights the same way again.”
I exhaled. “Wow.”
“Oh yeah.” Future Me winked. “You needed that night.”
4. Embarrass Yourself Publicly at Least Once a Year
“Sing karaoke badly. Wear the most ridiculous costume to a party that is not a costume party. Enter a contest for something you are terrible at—and OWN IT.
Past You has been way too serious. It’s time to be the main character in the most ridiculous ways.”
I sighed. “Can I at least be good at one of these things?”
Future Me shook his head. “Absolutely not.”
5. Create the Most Bizarre Yet Beautiful Memory
“There is a moment coming up in the next five years that you will never see coming—but you get to make it legendary.
It might involve a giant inflatable dinosaur, a mariachi band, and a group of strangers who become lifelong friends.
You can either say ‘nah’ and keep life ordinary… or say yes and make the best story of your life.”
I stared, wide-eyed.
“A dinosaur?”
Future Me winked. “Oh yeah. And you’re gonna cry from laughing.”
Final Words of ‘Wisdom’
By this point, I was buzzing with excitement.
“So… are you saying I’m gonna have an amazing life?” I asked, hopeful.
Future Me grinned.
“Oh, it’s gonna be ridiculous. But only if you let it be. You are in charge of the fun. So stop overthinking and start saying YES to the weird, the silly, and the unexpected.”
And just like that, Madame Zelda snapped back into herself, blinking like she’d just woken up from the best comedy show of her life.
I sat in stunned silence.
“Welp,” she said, stretching. “That’s $100.”
Takeaways from My Psychic Reading
I came into this experience hoping for reassurance that my future would be okay.
Instead, I got the best pep talk ever from Future Me, who is somehow hilariously chaotic, wildly adventurous, and having an absolute blast with a baguette sword.
So what’s the moral of the story?
Honestly? I don’t know. Maybe it’s time to stop overthinking and start embracing the absurd. Maybe life is meant to be a little silly, a little unexpected, and a whole lot of fun.
Or maybe—just maybe—I need to take myself out on the hottest date of my life.
Because somewhere out there, a future version of me is laughing his ass off, waiting for me to catch up.
-Forest
Therapist, Fun & Pleasure Coach
*Created with a playful spirit and the assistance of AI
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