Awhile back Jennifer Lamprey, Organizer of the Women of Value Quickening Conference, asked me to write a piece that supports women. She emphasized the importance of men supporting women, especially when it comes to issues related to pornography. She shared, “I believe more and more women need and want to hear a man supporting what they’re doing.” In her perspective, when husbands use pornography, partners lose their femininity, become afraid of being emotional and vulnerable, see people as dangerous, and lose their connection to their worth. She said, “The Quickening is about women knowing their worth.”
Being a husband who has struggled sexually, I resonate with the importance of this message. I see that my battle with lust effects my wife deeply. My personal recovery journey is an opportunity to reflect back to my wife how worthy and worthwhile she is.
All women need to know that regardless of how others have treated them, nothing can diminish their worth. They will always be worthy of love, belonging, and respect. It is not unreasonable for them to require that those who love them treat them accordingly. May the following piece provide encouragement and empowerment as all women realize and rediscover their infinite worth.
***This piece continues to resonate with partners as the years progress and is included in my book Life After Lust, along with a version for partners called What I Am Worth (sign up here to get printable copies of What I Am Worth, What My Wife is Worth, and a version for male partners as well).
What My Wife Is Worth
My wife is a woman of infinite worth. Because of this, she deserves my best efforts.
She deserves a husband who only has eyes for her.
She deserves a husband in active recovery, not passively going with the flow.
She deserves a husband who reminds her that she is not to blame for his past or present choices.
She deserves a husband who actively opposes visual and mental lust in all forms; viewing it as the enemy of true intimacy.
She deserves a husband who is trustworthy, both when she is looking and when she’s unaware.
She deserves a husband who seeks help when needed, remaining accountable to those who call out his greatness and strength.
She deserves a husband with the courage to face his deepest fears, inadequacies, and wounds for the sake of his healing.
She deserves a husband who learns from his mistakes, creating and communicating new plans for change.
She deserves a husband who is learning how to connect and does the hard work in spite of insecurities and inadequacies in this area.
She deserves a husband who tells the truth about his behavior and is honest when his heart wants to wander.
She deserves a husband who does whatever it takes to change whatever wounds her.
She deserves a husband who takes responsibility for his life, rather than being a victim of circumstances, feelings, or personal history.
She deserves a husband who progresses in personal growth; who is becoming the man he’s told her he wants to be.
She deserves a husband who is committed to perseverance and course correction; who gets up quickly after failures.
She deserves a husband who cares for himself so that he can offer her more presence and participation in daily life.
She deserves a husband who models faith, purity, passion, and purpose to their children.
She deserves a husband who acknowledges his imperfections yet resists using them as justifications for a small life.
She deserves a husband who fights for her heart.
She deserves a husband who pursues her emotional and physical safety.
She deserves a husband who cherishes her, pursues her, and defends her.
She deserves a husband who humbly responds to her personal boundaries and listens to the pain his choices have caused.
She deserves a husband who remains patient when forgiveness and trust do not come quickly.
She deserves a husband who desires her, cutting off opportunities to seek all counterfeit connections.
She deserves a husband who nurtures her, encourages her to use her gifts, and empowers her to come alive.
She deserves a husband who supports her needs for relationships, relaxation, rest, and rejuvination.
She deserves a husband who serves her, looking for ways to lighten her load.
She deserves a husband who is eager to invest both his time and attention.
She deserves a husband who sees her, knows her, and loves her.
She deserves a husband who reminds his wife every day that her value does not depend on her weight, her style, her sexiness or sexual availability, how she was treated as a child, or any other outside factor.
She deserves a husband who reminds her that she is beautiful and she is enough.
Her worth is innate and cannot be tarnished.
She deserves all of these things because she is a woman of infinite worth.
And so are you.
–By Forest Benedict, LMFT, SATP, Author of Life After Lust
*Special thanks to blogger Avalon Vic for creating these pdf documents for use